How to manage life during the Coronavirus Pandemic

All of us experience stress and anxiety now. Concerns about future, health, financial distress, taking care of others and ourselves or concerns about our world have reached an unprecedented level. Levels of concerns change from day to day from person to person, from situation to situation. The "shelter in place" order leaves many of us alone at home for longer periods and feeling lonely as if no one cares about us. The uncertainty combined with listening to the news produce high levels of anxiety, stress, loneliness and feelings of overwhelm.

Many of us face new challenges, new concerns.

Roles have changes, now you are supposed to do things that you have never done before or jump right into roles that you forgot. If you have children that you care for at home, now you might also be their teacher, you need to relearn new strategies and new material so you can teach them. Cleaning might be a renewed activity for you. You might be in a profession now where you need to learn new technologies such as teleconferencing and messaging apps quickly and expected to function immediately with none or little training.

Each individual has their own story, their own struggles and challenges, own concerns and fears.

What can you do to manage these feeling?

1. Remind yourself of the purpose, focus on the why. On a daily basis remind yourself why you are not physically engaged with others, why you are avoiding meeting with others in person now. Remind yourself that not touching loved ones or avoiding people now is an act of love and responsibility. Your discomfort is purposeful. You are protecting yourself and your loved ones, you are contributing to your surroundings. You are taking part in a global war to minimize, shorten and stop the pandemic. Your anxiety is shared; your discomfort is felt by others. You are doing it for you and for each other. We are all in it together.

2. Remind yourself, that this shall pass. Find a meaning, a purpose for keeping on. Develop a short term plan that depends solely on you and follow it: volunteer, help someone in need, develop a hobby or learn something new: an instrument, a foreign language or dance. Allow yourself to be creative. Develop a routine that you are comfortable with. Connect with your community; use your unique skills to help others, share experiences with your community.

3. Write a journal and document your life in the pandemic era, It is your own history, your own legacy to tell the new generations. Include pictures, stories and quotes. Imagine yourself telling your future children, grandchildren about your life.

4. Focus on what you can control: You cannot control the future or change the uncertainty, but there are many things that are within your control or manage.

• Make a list of things that you can change and are of high priority, ask yourself: what are the changes that I can make,
• Make a list of things that you can't change and ask yourself: how will I cope with it.
• Make a list of things that you can change but are less important now, ask yourself: am I spending too much time on these issues.
• Make a list of things that you can't change and are not a priority. Ask yourself: can I accept or forgive?

5. Manage your attitude: Don't give up your sense of humor and positive outlook. Look for the silver lining of the situation and enjoy the moment. Some learn to enjoy their home for the first time, some find joy in watching their children grow as they are not rushing out of the house anymore. Some reconnect with family and friends via zoom, phone or other social media platforms, some clean the house or sort through old pictures or documents. Now they have the time to reminisc­­­­­­e­­­­­­­­­­­­­, remember and reflect. Go outside, go for a walk, look at nature and enjoy the beauty of the season, cherish the moment.

6. Interact with your loved one, family and friends, comfort others, have empathy, connect. Do nothing together. Virtually, make meals together, watch movies, take breaks and enjoy social or any other activity. Be together; interact even if you do not have anything to say.

Respect personal space; if working from home create a comfortable work space for each family member, and allow for time alone.

7. Practice self-care; meditate, workout, go outdoors and breath fresh air, sleep well, eat healthy, drink plenty of water and practice gratitude. Limit watching news to stop the negative overload of information.

Now let's apply these tips:

1. How do you define your life during these difficult times?

2. What is your own unique purpose or meaning now?

3. What are some positive things that you notice on a daily basis now?

4. What are the actions that you can take to manage your attitude?

5. How do you interact with your loved ones and your friends?

6. How do you see yourself a year after the pandemic is over?

As always, I am here to assist you, consult with or to listen.

I am looking forward to hearing from you!

Next in the series of life in the pandemic era:

• How to manage anxiety and stress during the pandemic,
• How to live and stay together during and after the pandemic,
• How to make the right decisions during the pandemic?

Please send me other topics that you wish to know more about.

The Bonds We Build

“Never above you. Never below you. Always beside you” Walter Winchell

And You Are Telling Me This Now!?!?!?

Stephanie and Jason are a couple in their mid- 40s with three children, ages seven to 12. Together, they strive to excel in high demanding careers. Pursuing their equality at home, they decided early on in their marriage to share and define roles and responsibilities. Together, they decided that Jason will take care of the family budget, while Stephanie will be in charge of other tasks.

As summer was approaching, the family planned a nice vacation. The children were excited and all were engaged in preparations.

Accustomed to managing the family finances, Jason was confident that the family would be able to take this vacation. However, while recalculating the family budget, he realized that he had to make higher than expected tax payment which would have severely limited their vacation plans.

Disappointed, Jason thought about it for a week and carefully broke the news to Stephanie.

They came to my office angry, disappointed, both feeling that trust between them was broken.

“And you are telling me this now, why did you wait?” Stephanie questioned angrily. “You always get anxious if things do not go as planned,” Jason snapped back. “You would have flipped and I had to be careful about how I tell you.”

In this circumstance, it seemed like trust or lack of it was the theme of their quarrel. Stephanie admitted that she was offended when Jason did not trust her to accept the news as an equal partner. She felt his explanation was condescending. On his part, Jason was furious that she did not appreciate him being considerate of her and felt betrayed.

In our meetings they felt safe expressing their fears and anxieties. They gave each other space to show vulnerability and weaknesses. Jason learned that even though Stephanie is anxious, she still wants to hear the disappointing news and wants to be an equal team partner. Stephanie learned to appreciate Jason taking care of her. She realized he made tremendous efforts to break the news in a supportive way and had to take his time to articulate and process the issue. He actually wanted to hear her opinion and input.

Once they both felt heard, validated and supported, they were free to team up and start planning an alternative vacation. Next, they had to deliver the news to their children.

What is your experience with showing vulnerability?

I would love to hear from you! Please contact me at therapy@orlykatz.com and I will incorporate your reply in my next newsletter.

Comments from readers about July 15th, newsletter

And you are telling me, what?

• Too much work. Is it worth it?
• I guess it is a guy thing. We don’t give compliments.

On Personal Growth: Let’s dance-feel better! Mood changes following dancing in different situations.
Researchers examined mood changes following dancing. Mood was assessed before and after dancing in three groups of ballroom dancers. A group of 32 recreational dancers, a group of 38 competitive dancers who were engaged in training and a group of 35 competitive dancers who took part in competitions. Researchers observed positive change in recreational dancers: higher energy, pleasure and less tension.

In comparison, dancers who competed were more stressed before competition and felt less pleasure after dancing than the other two groups.

Researchers suggest that although dancing in general effects mood, dancing in different situations may alter this influence.
*European Journal of Sport Science, Volume 15, 2015

On Relationships:High quality, satisfying long term marriage has positive influence on well-being and health. .
A two year data was collected from 374 continuously married older individuals (mean age: 72.4 and length of marriage 49.2 years). Data was also collected from other 252 couples for the purpose of comparison.

Researchers conclude that happily married people showed better health and well- being in comparison with unhappily married individuals. They explain that “in long term marriages, when the future time horizons of the spouses become more limited, individuals’ extended friendship network diminish”. Researchers add: “spouses may grow increasingly and co-reliantly on one another and therefore marital quality plays a significant role for their well –being”.

Marital support and satisfaction also increase personal resource, capacity for resilience, which contribute to better health, less hopelessness and more life satisfaction.
*Journal of Aging and Mental health, Volume 21, 2017

On New Parents’ Relationships: Social connection during transition to parenthood, the value of relationships.
A 2000 paper literature review was conducted in order to identify universal social connections and conditions that foster social connections for new parents and positively influence child development.

Findings include four themes:

1. Connections in the community
2. Internet connection
3. Prenatal connections
4. Connections for fathers.

Reviewers conclude that social connections positively influence parents’ well-being, thus contribute to children’s positive development. They add: “community development, family systems intervention practices, including fathers and group prenatal care” all contribute to social connections. Online social networking provide informational support.
*Applied Nursing Research, Volume 34, April 2017

The Bonds We Build

"I exist not to be loved and admired, but to love and act". -Janusz Korczak

And you are telling me, what?

Heather and Bruce are a couple in their late 40s with three teenage children. Bruce works outside the home and Heather is a home maker. Both are stressed and busy. Together as parents, they work hard to create a comfortable, safe and pleasant home environment for their family. However, as a couple, they often feel disconnected and that something in the harmony that they are trying so hard to achieve is missing.

They came to my office with the hope of finding this missing piece. “We are big on compliments in our household, we think that they boost self-esteem and confidence” Bruce stated. He added, “Like, I always tell Heather how good she looks.” Heather nodded, “yes you do, but I think you are just saying it.”

Heather offered her own version, “ And I often compliment Bruce on being a good father.” Bruce did not respond.

In this scenario, it seems like both intended to make their partner feel good. Both had good intentions. So what went wrong?

First, Bruce’s compliment was not perceived as genuine. Heather took it as a part of Bruce’s to do list. She reacted negatively. Not knowing what to make of Bruce’s compliment, she didn’t accept it. Bruce felt rejected and defeated. “She doesn’t believe me, so what’s the point?”

In the second example, Heather gave Bruce a compliment when she saw him interacting with their children. Although Bruce accepted the positive comment, it didn’t touch him the way Heather wished for. Her compliment left him indifferent. “So what?” he said. “What is so special about that?”

In our meeting we discussed the importance of giving clear, more specific, detail oriented compliments that will convey the warm, loving messages that they both intended to give. Both practiced putting effort into their messages. Bruce constructed a new complement. “You look good when you wear this blue dress. It brings out your blue eyes.” Heather was clearly touched and thanked him. On her turn, Heather gave Bruce an equally positive compliment. She told Bruce, “I love it when I see you talking with the kids. You are so patient and attentive. They adore you. You are a good father.” This time Bruce smiled at her and responded: “That felt good.”

Both felt more connected and valued.

What is your experience with giving and receiving compliments?

I would love to hear from you! Please contact me at therapy@orlykatz.com and I will incorporate your reply in my next newsletter.

On Personal Growth: Exposure to neighborhood parks and green space promote a healthy duration of sleep
A three year study of 259,319 Australian participants, 45 years old and older showed that those who lived in neighborhoods with a higher percentage of green space had more active lifestyles. The study also revealed that participants experienced healthier, longer durations of sleep.

One plausible explanation that the authors offer is such that, “the dispersal of traffic density and noise pollution in areas with more green space,” have positive influence of sleep duration

Authors conclude that longer sleep duration impacts health, including obesity, cardiovascular disease and impaired mental health. They suggest to keep examining the influence of green space such as parks or green conservations on sleep and health.
BMJ open, August 2013

On Relationships:Husbands’ consistent lack of emotional expression influence quality of marriage. .
A total of 229 newly married couples reported habits of not openly expressing emotions and their perception of marital quality at 5 months and two years after marriage.

Results showed that when husbands do not openly express emotions, marital quality over time was lower. However, when both husbands and wives were similar in their emotional expressions, higher marital quality was reported.

Authors conclude that the wives were more sensitive to their husbands’ emotional expressions, but husbands’ habits were more influential on the quality of marriage.
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2016

On New Parents’ Relationships: Sleep deprivation impairs development of affiliation and empathy
A total of 54 healthy young adults volunteered for a study of the effects of sleep deprivation on the ability to accurately identify six basic human facial expressions of emotions.

Results showed that when sleep deprived for one night, recognitions of facial cues of happiness and sadness were compromised. However, participants were able to easily identify expressions of surprise, fear, disgust and anger.

Researchers explain that during sleep loss, it was a survival necessity that individuals sustain accuracy of the four facial expressions of surprise, fear, disgust and anger and the brain may preserve resources to respond. Since, emotional recognition of happiness and sadness are perceived as non-threatening social emotions, more so, emotions that communicate safety and acceptance, empathy and closeness, it is not necessary for the brain to allocate resources to sustain responses. Identifying these two expressions then are compromised when sleep is deprived.

Applying this conclusion to new parents’ relationships, we can assert that sleep is a must for appropriate new parents’ healthy social interactions, empathy and affiliation.
Neurobiology of Sleep and Circadian Rhythms, June 2017

The Bonds We Build

"Every success story is a tale of constant adaptation, revision and change” —Richard Branson

Too much cell phone? Really?

Megan and Ron are a couple in their mid-30s with 2 young children. They both hold high demanding jobs and are determined to find the magic balance between home, work and alone time. They both see the use of cell phones as the culprit that takes away their home time from them and tips the delicate balance in favor of work.

They came to my office blaming each other for their excessive cell phone use. “During dinner his phone is right there,” Megan claimed. “He looks at it every few minutes. You do not pay attention to us even though we agreed not to use the phone. “

“Me? “ He was ready with a quick answer. “You answer every buzz even if it is only a text and you are telling me not to? You are so controlling!!!”

Clearly, they did not listen to each other’s needs. Megan’s need is to have quality home time with Ron. She wants an engaged husband who gives the family his undivided attention during meal time. Ron, on his end, feels as though Megan imposes some rules on him. Rules that he doesn’t agree with. He views it as a threat to his independence.

They both feel blamed and accused through no fault of their own.

In our meetings they listened to each other and allowed each other to express their underlying needs. Megan confessed that she needs him and Ron admitted he needs to make the decisions sometimes. We looked at different options that will make the ground rules for a positive environment and will address both needs. Megan and Ron decided that both will answer the phone during meal time only if it rings. They will alert each other that they only check if it is important and will be right back. Both agreed to avoid texts during family meals.

They would re-evaluate their agreement and make changes periodically.

What is your experience with phone use? How did you address it?

I would love to hear from you. Please contact me at therapy@orlykatz.com and I will incorporate your reply in my next newsletter.

On Personal Growth: Midlife anxiety is linked to dementia in old age.
A review of four studies that included over 28,000 people showed that there is a correlation between moderate to severe anxiety in midlife and dementia 10 years later.

Authors of the review explain that abnormal stress response may speed up brain cell aging and degenerative changes in the central nervous system, which increase vulnerability to dementia.

They concluded that, “non-pharmacological therapies, including talking therapies and mindfulness-based interventions and meditation practices, that are known to reduce anxiety in midlife, could have a risk reducing effect.”
BMJ open, April 2018*

On Relationships:Psychological detachment from work stress affects quality of romantic interactions.
Among a sample of 106 dual- earner, committed couples researchers found that when partners’ jobs had not occupied them during the evenings, couples experienced higher quality of romantic interactions.

The researchers explained that the ability to detach from work affected partners and quality of time together. When occupied and stressed about work, partners spent less time together, perceived each other as less available and romantic relationship were compromised.

Researchers suggest that positive activities and partners’ support might distract from job related thoughts, reduce impact of stress and assist in better detachment from work and better relationships.
Journal of Happiness Studies, September 2017*

On New Parents’ Relationships: Early Romantic Relationships linked with improved child behavior 8 years later
Results of a study of 1318 couples across 8 years revealed that mothers’ and fathers’ early relationship quality predicted their own parental engagements 2 years into the future. Researchers add that mothers’ more than fathers’ parental behaviors mediated relationship quality and their children’s positive outcome.

In conclusion researches suggest that clinicians and parent educators include relationship enhancement programs for the benefit of parents and their children.
Journal of Family Issues, March 2014*

Dr. Laura Berman Shares The Three-Step Meditation to Manifesting Love

When we think about meditation, we might think about a very individualized activity – something that is intended to ground us as people, to guide our inner workings, and to calm a nervous soul. But meditation can accomplish so much more than that if we stretch our understanding to how it can apply in our relationships.

In this wonderful video, Dr. Laura Berman shares a few simple steps in how you can use the tool of meditation to invite love into your life. As you watch the video, consider how well you allow the following:

• How often are you granting yourself the time to sit in a quiet space for effective meditation?
• How comfortable are you with freeing yourself to remember the moments of happiness in your life and to imagine new ones?
• How willing are you to let go of those feelings, to give yourself the space to create a new reality in your connections to others?

Five Ways to Get Along with Your Partner’s Family During the Holidays

With the holidays approaching, many of us will find ourselves traveling and visiting family. For some of us, that means traveling back to our hometown and spending time with the people we grew up with. For others, it means visiting your partner’s family - sometimes for the first time.

While the experience of spending a holiday with a new group of people can be joyous and thrilling, it can also bring about stress, tough feelings, and new styles of celebrating. Everyone wants their holiday to be meaningful, but visiting a new home comes with its own set of expectations and realities.

We Attract What We Are

When we go through the process of finding a partner, we are bound to have some ideas around the kind of person we would like to be with. Some of these qualities might include the physical attractiveness of the other person, their values, their beliefs, or their interests. Oftentimes, we desire to be with someone who is in sync with ourselves – someone who shares a similar mindset about life that we do.

What’s important to keep in mind is that when we go about trying to find that ideal partner, we need to keep our vision of who they are in mind. This is true for a multitude of reasons – we can lose sight of our ideal partner if we do not envision them clearly; we can find ourselves “settling” out of a fear of loneliness; or, we can find our own values shifting based on being with a person that finds us attractive – we can bend ourselves to the needs of another person.

In the below video, Bob Proctor talks about the importance of mapping your ideal partner in terms of the law of attraction – that is, by envisioning your partner and living life as if they are already in your life, that you will eventually attract that person to you. Take a look below and pay careful attention to the concept of mapping your partner – the act of listing out the qualities that you would want to see in the person with whom you hold a relationship.